The Ideal Officemate

To all current and potential future officemates:

Please find office rules below. Read in full and sign your name on the line below.

1. There will be no stomping of feet. No whistling. No loud typing. No slurping of liquids or audible chewing of food. I do not want to hear you breathe.

2. Keep your stuff off my desk. That includes papers, network cables, USB cables, power cables, any other cables you may have in your possession, writing instruments, dust, and the office telephone.

3. Keep your hands off my headphones.

4. Do not sniff. Ever.

5. Periodically acknowledge my presence, but do not make constant demands on my attention. I would appreciate cupcakes on my birthday. Carrot cake on odd years and red velvet on even years.

6. Your mobile phone stays at home.

7. If you are ill, you are prohibited from entering the office until you've been free of symptoms for 48 hours. Please arrange to have housekeeping bleach your desk, the bathrooms, kitchen area, and all office doorhandles in your absence.

8. Do not usurp my efforts to keep the room temperature above 24° C.

...

Actually, never mind. I have come to the conclusion that my ideal officemate is a cat. Please go away now.